Count Bass D

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I've been trying to get down...to the heart of the matter
When my brother sings Don Henley I always smile. My brother has allowed me to open up my mind so much throughout the years and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't know about half the music I got into growing up nor I have ever hung out with people who didn't look like me.
I went to church today by myself and it was very lonely but now I see why. This was something I needed to soak in without any distractions. Normally I like to go to churches that will give me my music fix. I love the Hammond organ with an intense passion and the only musicians I'm into right now are Hammond organ players. I love James Taylor, The Eagles and many groups that use acoustic guitars in their music, but for some reason, I have a huge blockage when it comes to that instrument and church. I prayed before I visited this church today because I assumed I was going to hear some G, C & D chords with a few minors thrown in and I was going to shut myself down...

I heard the chords, but I didn't shut it down this time. I actually sang the songs and attempted to open myself up the same way I was able to when I went to my friend Mike Mahaffey's home church the day after his funeral. Mike was the best guitar player I've known personally.

When it was time for the message Dr. Eli Morris spoke on "Love Is Forgiving." I needed it pretty bad. There is a gang of bitterness and resentment that I have in my heart for many people. I could go into specifically what was said, but I wouldn't do it justice. Plus it's wild with some of the Love themes that run throughout the album I'm working on...it just hit me hard man.

I had slight resentment for my mother a few years before she died. It was petty and I don't understand why it was there even though I knew it was petty and not true. I know my mother loved me and I know she did everything she could to make me feel loved, but I just would not accept her love at times. Even on her death bed, she gave everything she had to me and she was everything in a mother that I could have dreamed about. The last words she spoke to me was that I needed the Lord in my life "Dwight, Love him, serve him & obey him..." I said "Yes Mom" and I asked her if she had any birthday plans coming up and she never answered. The phone mysteriously hung up and on her 63rd birthday 4 days later around seven o'clock, my father called & told me she was outta here! I'm trying to forgive myself for missing so many opportunities to do the things she asked of me or to show her how much I appreciated and loved her. I feel she knew it, but I'm going to have to always work on forgiving myself about it.

I also have to work on genuine forgiveness toward others...

The gentleman stated the plan was:
1. Relinquish your right to revenge
2. Respond to the hurt with love
3. Repeat the process over & over (This was an L7 moment when he quoted Matthew 18:21-22)

But the secret was realizing that I've been forgiven and that I should do the same. Pretty Ill.

That falls right in line with me loving pure, keeping a good conscience & being sincere in my faith.

I'm telling you, I've been feeling like the final moments of Goodfellas when Henry is being hunted by the FEDS. It's like no matter where I turn and how insignificant it seems, GOD has something specific for me and I'm glad I finally turned myself in.

I have to admit, I don't like large churches. It's as if I expect to be catered to directly with the leadership, but the truth be told, I NEVER interact with people at church. I NEVER put a foot forward. It's a shame too because at my concerts I greet people, I hardly ever stay in "my dressing room" if there is an area set aside. People hardly know what I look like because my picture isn't in the Dwight Spitz artwork and most people just have bootleg mp3s of the other albums anyway. That never stops me from being in the mix. Another thing is, I don't shy away from going to big stores like Target and Wal-Mart just because they are big and I feel they don't need/appreciate my dollar? I'm just starting to see how hypocritical I can be when it comes to judging these places. I mean hey, I've been to huge sporting events and huge concerts and I don't give the team or the artists flack because they are that popular. It's just another thing to work on.

I could have gone to different churches today that I know would have ROCKED because today is "The Day of Pentecost" but I'm glad I went where I went.

Happy Mother's Day!
Relish the opportunity to show your love because this is a pretty tough lesson for me when it comes to my mother y'all.

So I'm about to roll out and attempt to put some of this in action right now with a few of the mothers in my life.

I can get my Hammond fix on YouTube right?.
Eddie Brown - "God Wants A Yes"

05/11/2008 11:52:15 AM

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Now that I have it ALL figured out...
Thank you to those who have reached out regarding what I wrote the other day... Believe me when I tell you I'm still at step one which is admitting I have a problem dealing with life right now. Putting my other foot forward is still very hard and I'm still trying to take these steps. I've had some success no question, but I also have doubts that I'm doing the right thing. As situations continue to explode in my face, I have to continue to assure myself about the long-term effects this will have. I also have to find new ways of coping with stress in ways I haven't done since I was 12 or 13 so it's pretty uncomfortable. I don't feel any stronger yet, and it leaves a burning sensation in my throat.

I have a thing where I've been attempting to stop smoking cigarettes for many years. I've had success here and there and I've quit for up to a year and a half once. It only takes one disagreement, bad news over the phone, or a combination of things and I head immediately to the store and get a pack. Do I have a problem with spirituality and smoking? Maybe a little because of the type of churches I grew up in, but not hardcore or anything like that. I just want to do something about my problems that will actually help as opposed to a quick nicotine rush. It would strike me wrong when I'd see people outside of churches having a quick one before going back inside. I was quick to judge people about it too but only in my own mind. It's funny how I picked up smoking at 17. My father & mother never said anything about those smoking people, but it just bothered me on the inside for some reason. It bothers me that I smoke. If you light up around me I have no problem with you, this is a personal thing.

That's a safe example. But I want a cigarette really bad right now and I wonder what am I going to gain from not smoking one? How much good is honestly going to come of it? Will I depend on something else? Will this burning sensation of rage in my throat quell? I forgot...

Forget everything I said, I'm about to do some push ups. If I'm going to abuse my body like I do when I smoke, I like it when I wear myself out and I have no energy left to be upset.

I'll keep you posted how it goes.
05/10/2008 10:49:38 AM

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Update
As much as I would like to cut this Journal thing out and keep the goings on in my life to myself, I feel a responsibility now. It's been over 8 years since I began writing here and at first I just thought it would be a way to keep people coming back to the website in hopes I could get you to buy something from me. Also, I thought I could get you so wrapped up in what I was thinking that you'd just keep coming back to find out about me ....MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

It's not about me though. It's about you. It always has been and always will be. I've been given a relatively large audience and I've had the ability to influence people. So many of you have written me and told me about how you got into Hip Hop because of my work, etc. Or how no producers have nothing on me or I'm so underrated, etc. I thank you all for encouraging me so much over the years. I don't believe all of it, but I thank you because it has helped me to continue and also to understand the power that my gift from GOD contains.

I've been observing some of the leading gospel musicians on the Internet and I'm grateful for it. To see these guys using their gifts the way they are and how so far past me they are in their ability lets me know just how far off the mark I've been.

Here's a story many of you will appreciate:
A few years ago, I had been working closely with MF DOOM and he and I were beginning to talk about working a full length project together. I got a call from him (any contact with him is ALWAYS out of the blue) and the subject of this project came up. He said to me, "I know you have your spirituality and I have mine. We should do a project like that, maybe even a gospel project." I just got silent. I wanted to work with him more than any other artist at the time (even now to some degree) and the idea of doing a gospel project with him was not even in the same universe as my thinking. I could tell he understood that because after the silence I sort of mumbled ."ahh hey uh well, you never know..." I wasn't fully closing the door, but I gave no hint that I was very enthused. At which point he responded (almost embarrassed) and just sort of dismissed it as if he was just buggin' out. I went on to do some touring work for him, but we haven't collaborated in a creative capacity since. The last time I spoke with him was over 2 years ago.

I want to repent to GOD, DOOM & you for destroying an opportunity to finally allow my gift to be used in a positive manner with an artist who I believe is the greatest lyricist rap music has ever seen with an audience of millions that I may never achieve. I don't ever want to stand in the way of being a positive influence ever again no matter how great or small the opportunity is.

I have a new commitment to making sure I project something that may help you and entertain you in the process. I want to thank you all for always affirming my work and giving me the confidence to continue. I'm asking GOD to take over my life and my gift & be the affirming force that allows me to be 100% loving towards everyone of you and to stop my practice of stealing samples and being negative in my art. I played music for years before the sampler was invented and although I know the transition will not be smooth, I look forward to this transition. Many opportunities are coming my way to begin to record music with instruments again and I'm glad for the chance.

I'm also looking to gain the courage to share my struggles with you in an even more honest way so that you can gain something from it.

I'm starting to realize, people think I'm down to earth, humble or cool or anything positive is because they see the little room I've left in my personality for GOD. I'm expanding that now so if you have appreciated me personally in the past, it's a lot more sincere now. I'm now glad DOOM saw GOD in me and wanted to do a project celebrating that. That feels good way down in my stomach.

I don't want this to come through as self serving in any way.
I'm trusting that if I'm doing the right thing my responsibilities will always be provided for.

L7 is not complete. It's getting there but I had to clean out my spiritual closet before I could continue. I had a feeling that the number 7 in the title would shift some things around, but I had no idea how it would effect me.

Thank GOD it is.

My goal for the rest of my life is to:

A) Project love from a pure heart,
B) Have all my deeds be done with a good conscience
C) Be sincere in my faith in GOD.

I can't see anyone having a legitimate problem with that.

There are some things in my life that I'm in the process of healing. I ask that you all be patient and understanding with me knowing that I will be a better vessel to serve the world henceforth!

Feel free to write me if you want to discuss any of this further, it's what I'm here for.

countbassd at countbassd dot com

Sincerely,
Dwight Conroy Farrell
05/08/2008 10:51:44 AM

SPORT BEATMAKING

05/08/2008 12:00:00 AM

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Margaret P. Farrell (May 6, 1944 - May 6, 2007)
I love you Mom. I'm determined to make you proud of me.

05/06/2008 12:00:00 AM

Thursday, May 01, 2008

I'm going to take a break from this Journal again for a minute.

Count Bass D Music On

05/01/2008 01:14:36 AM

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Anniversary
Oriana and I began dating 14 years ago today.
It's been seven years since I wrote 'Seven Years'.
I don't know how many times I've mentioned this anniversary in the past.

I was reading the 'news archives' for a good minute yesterday. I couldn't believe the tool it was for memories. I may not have to write a memoir at all.

I accidently erased a beat I was working on called "The Beast in the Music Store" and I'm not too happy about it. It's for the best. I didn't really like the source of the sample. It was a real outlaw move and I'm glad I was censored in some odd fashion.

I've been using my MPC60 the last three days to stimulate my creativity and keep it bubbling. Some play video games, some take walks, I like to make quick ill beats that give me a chance to experiment.

My machine has forgiven me for attempting to sell it. The music's been flowing out with relative ease. I'm simply trying to keep motivation & morale high.
04/30/2008 04:56:20 AM

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

nevermind.
04/29/2008 11:48:52 AM

Monday, April 28, 2008

Happy Birthday.
Wow.
My wife Oriana has lived another full year.

I want to thank you Oriana for who you have been to me for the last 14 years. I also want to thank GOD for allowing you to live as long as you have. I want to thank you for drilling "Blessed & Highly Favored" in my mind even harder this past March. I want to thank you for our children. I want to thank you for putting them in front of you being in front. I want to say I apologize for pain I have caused you over the years. I'm sorry for the lack of leadership I've displayed when it really mattered. I'm sorry for putting music first so many times. I want to say that pretty loud. I'm sorry for being short on the celly & the well wishes that passed by on your special day today. I hope these years have taught you as much as they have taught me (at least).

So again. Happy Birthday.
May GOD bless your Powerful & Awesome Soul and give me the strength to take care of my family until the end.

--Dwight Conroy Farrell
04/28/2008 08:55:57 PM

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Life For Dummies
I feel resolved about relatively little in life. I think it's because I refuse to accept that I don't know much. I'm sure this has been said in a different way before but I had a thought today that

I'm only making time to earn & spend money when I should be only earning money to spend more time working on my spiritual & physical relationships.

I'm growing up by force and it hurts a bunch. I'm doing my best to find out what it is I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life. Some people feel as if I've hit the nail right on the head by creating music.

The more I learn about music and the more I learn about myself, is the more I disagree with those people and with the inner voice that has encouraged me to run at it for the last 30 years of my life. I don't have ANY memories without me being an active maker of music. I could never describe what music actually means to me. I've Sacrificed Everything Willingly to continue my pursuit of being a) the best musician I can be, b) making the best music I have the ability to make. c) NOTHING LESS.

That's what I S.E.W.ed what will I reap?

Who gets the benefit of the sacrifice? I'm not sure. (CBD) I thought it was me! --Bell Biv DeVoe

Umm...
It's not though. My family benefitting from music? Some say yes, most would say no if I told more of my business. God benefit? Please. Do you benefit from my sacrifice? I hear from a few people a day and I meet people when I go out to perform. Maybe there are a few out there. But I wouldn't do this just for you if I didn't get enough out of it would I? I love you guys, but being honest, I'm not that deep to sacrifice myself for you. Seriously. It may sound cool, but I do need to get "enough" out of this sacrifice.

My brother and I had a long conversation today about one of our mother's phrases..."Total Surrender".

She was always talking about her family's total surrender to Jesus Christ. I wish I could make my mother proud in her grave right now and proclaim to be totally surrendered to Jesus Christ, but that is not the case. I haven't had that experience. I've had the experience of being totally surrendered to music and I can't tell you with any honesty that I'm pleased with the results. Did I make a choice? If yes, how have I stuck with it so long? I have gone back on my word regarding FAR less important choices in my life.

At this time I can only surmise there is an ego and a type of pride inside of me that helps me endure the sacrifice itself. In my mind I have nothing to prove nor reason to continue, yet I move forward. Ego and Pride can't be the single driving force. I'm doing my best to come up with more 'forces', but those are the only things I can think of off the top of the dome.

04/27/2008 12:00:00 AM

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